Where is the Missing Link ?
Being a TA I get to interact with many non computer science major students, so one day I asked a female student, "Why are you studying Women Studies ? Is there Men Studies also ?". She just smiled. This question had always intrigued me -- Why do women give mixed signals ? I always get to hear that understanding of men about women is zero. Since I might have to spend a significant portion of my life with a woman in life, I thought better I try to understand them. In my quest to understand them better, I thought of reading several books (no not Mills and Boons) written by women writers to know how women perceive women. To name a few such books, I read Difficult Daughters and Married Woman by Manju Kapoor, Na Hanyate by Maitrayi Devi, My Feudal Lord by Tehmina Durani, Lajja, Amar Meyebela and Nirbachito Kalam by Taslima Nasreen, Ekushe Pa (Step into 21) by Bani Basu. Watching highly woman-centric movies like Charulata, Ghare Baire (by Satyajit Ray) were also like reading novels. I am yet to read (auto)biographies of Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thachar. Admittingly, my observation could be biased towards Indian women. I do admit that females and males are equal and are incomplete without each other. It is understood that biologically female brain is wired differently. Both are superior to other on different aspects. My hypothesis is that women give a lot of mixed signals (mixed in the sense that men are incapable of understanding those signals all the time and I also realize I am talking like a man).
A natural classification of women falls into three classes: a) those who are really feminine in obvious ways; b) men-hater and feminist; and c) tomboys. Women in class (a) are those whose purpose is to find a dream man and lead a happy family life. It is independent of the fact if they are ambitious or not. They like shopping, gossiping, dressing flashy attractive clothes. They are very sentimental and emotional. Women in class (b) could be feminine also. But they make it a point in every action or word, how much they hate men (I should say celebrated columnist Shobha De falls in this class). Class (c) is comprised of tomboys and women in this class are mainly of the age 18-30. They neither hate males nor females but what they hate are the activites of women belonging to class (a). They like to emulate men which makes them feel important and confident. I think they have inherent sense of insecurity that if they don't pretend to be men they are vulnerable. They also think women in class (a) are like clinging vines to their husbands. Just to clarify my statement, Hillary Clinton, Sonia Gandhi or Priyanka Gandhi are not in this class. As Dame Edith Evans said, When a woman behaves like a man, Why can't she behave like a nice man ? Randy Milholland said, "The only way to be truly misogynistic is to be a woman".
Irrespective of the above classification, I pose the following claims as a query: why are women ambivalent ? The motivation behind my writing and question is that: A significant portion of mens' effort and energy is spent in understanding their nebulous mixed responses. If they are clear and firm, world will be much better place for everyone.
Expecting clear rules of engagement: Women are foreign language; Men always mispronounce it. Men are direct and women are indirect. Had it been consistent, men would have settled for it. But then women also expect responses of love and care in an explicit way. Women emphasize on articulation which is good but articulation should not be at the cost of obscurity. Women are gifted with skills for better communication. Tears are not meant for communicating everything (for some it is the last resort). On one hand women claim they are patient, tolerant and deep-thinker, on the other hand they are restless and impatient. Sense of insecurity always haunt them. According to women, men are sex predators and mens' idea of romance is sex. If it is so disdainful for women, why do many women would not stay with men who would not gratify them physically ? One interpretation of Kamala Das's sexuality charged compositions would be that she was not happy with her husband as far as physical relation was concerned. Madam Curie initially had no liking for Pierre Curie. It is only after writing numerous love letters and marriage proposals she agreed. That shows that women never deny firmly to anything. It is not clear if a woman likes a man or the qualities in a man. In Mahabharata, Draupadi never really wanted a husband rather she wanted a man with five distinguished qualities - honesty, strength, skill, patience and looks and as a result she got five husbands. In Ramayana, Rama could marry Sita in a Swayambar because he could lift a bow and put the string on it which was a test of his physical strength. I still remember winters in Boston. Temperature used to be -10 or lower. But blondes would be seen around wearing scanty dresses. Then women despise men for treating them as sexual objects. This often confuses men if they should be original in their bearings.
Poor Resource Management: Women want independence, recognition and respect. Often women do misuse what they get. One should read Ghare Bhaire (Home-Outside) by Tagore. He clearly portrayed how a wife of a Jamindar got attracted to a fraud Swadeshi named Sandeep. Her husband was the epitome of good person a wife can have as husband. Time as a resource is also poorly managed by women. They feel good and important if things are tidy, neat and organized. As a result they easily get lost in details. Top-down approach is always better than bottom-up approach. That means, first set the big-picture and then go into details. Is it really important if I am not in proper disposition all the time? Do we really need to perfectionist all the time ? What is the point of being a perfectionist if the overhead of being perfect is too much ? A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want. Women often say, men have wrong priorities in life. I should say men have priorities for important things in life.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Love and romance is really not a cup of tea for women. Great love stories (that of Romeo Juliet, Prithwiraaj Chauhan-Sanyukta or someone else) had not been great had the male counterparts not been proactive or passionate. It is not Mumtaz who built the Taj Mahal but Shah Jahan had made it. Without caring much about love, they care more about security, shelter and support both physically and emotionally. Well anyone can propose and claim she/he is in love, only men dare to materialize love. Sometimes men are foolish enough to prove themselves as knight. Women are not aggressive or assertive, thus a love story often ends up being a tragedy. Thinking that sacrifices and adjustments make one great, women continue to compromise on their dreams and goals. Can they really live happily for ever like this ? What happens when it dawns upon them that they never tried hard enough to materialize their dreams.
The purpose is not to enumerate all the mixed signals. May be there exists none. Men and women need to narrow down the margin of differences in thoughts and actions We need a better place where their is no divorce, no heartbreaks, no gender exploitation and discrimination. We need a communication protocol with clear set of rules.
A natural classification of women falls into three classes: a) those who are really feminine in obvious ways; b) men-hater and feminist; and c) tomboys. Women in class (a) are those whose purpose is to find a dream man and lead a happy family life. It is independent of the fact if they are ambitious or not. They like shopping, gossiping, dressing flashy attractive clothes. They are very sentimental and emotional. Women in class (b) could be feminine also. But they make it a point in every action or word, how much they hate men (I should say celebrated columnist Shobha De falls in this class). Class (c) is comprised of tomboys and women in this class are mainly of the age 18-30. They neither hate males nor females but what they hate are the activites of women belonging to class (a). They like to emulate men which makes them feel important and confident. I think they have inherent sense of insecurity that if they don't pretend to be men they are vulnerable. They also think women in class (a) are like clinging vines to their husbands. Just to clarify my statement, Hillary Clinton, Sonia Gandhi or Priyanka Gandhi are not in this class. As Dame Edith Evans said, When a woman behaves like a man, Why can't she behave like a nice man ? Randy Milholland said, "The only way to be truly misogynistic is to be a woman".
Irrespective of the above classification, I pose the following claims as a query: why are women ambivalent ? The motivation behind my writing and question is that: A significant portion of mens' effort and energy is spent in understanding their nebulous mixed responses. If they are clear and firm, world will be much better place for everyone.
Expecting clear rules of engagement: Women are foreign language; Men always mispronounce it. Men are direct and women are indirect. Had it been consistent, men would have settled for it. But then women also expect responses of love and care in an explicit way. Women emphasize on articulation which is good but articulation should not be at the cost of obscurity. Women are gifted with skills for better communication. Tears are not meant for communicating everything (for some it is the last resort). On one hand women claim they are patient, tolerant and deep-thinker, on the other hand they are restless and impatient. Sense of insecurity always haunt them. According to women, men are sex predators and mens' idea of romance is sex. If it is so disdainful for women, why do many women would not stay with men who would not gratify them physically ? One interpretation of Kamala Das's sexuality charged compositions would be that she was not happy with her husband as far as physical relation was concerned. Madam Curie initially had no liking for Pierre Curie. It is only after writing numerous love letters and marriage proposals she agreed. That shows that women never deny firmly to anything. It is not clear if a woman likes a man or the qualities in a man. In Mahabharata, Draupadi never really wanted a husband rather she wanted a man with five distinguished qualities - honesty, strength, skill, patience and looks and as a result she got five husbands. In Ramayana, Rama could marry Sita in a Swayambar because he could lift a bow and put the string on it which was a test of his physical strength. I still remember winters in Boston. Temperature used to be -10 or lower. But blondes would be seen around wearing scanty dresses. Then women despise men for treating them as sexual objects. This often confuses men if they should be original in their bearings.
Poor Resource Management: Women want independence, recognition and respect. Often women do misuse what they get. One should read Ghare Bhaire (Home-Outside) by Tagore. He clearly portrayed how a wife of a Jamindar got attracted to a fraud Swadeshi named Sandeep. Her husband was the epitome of good person a wife can have as husband. Time as a resource is also poorly managed by women. They feel good and important if things are tidy, neat and organized. As a result they easily get lost in details. Top-down approach is always better than bottom-up approach. That means, first set the big-picture and then go into details. Is it really important if I am not in proper disposition all the time? Do we really need to perfectionist all the time ? What is the point of being a perfectionist if the overhead of being perfect is too much ? A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want. Women often say, men have wrong priorities in life. I should say men have priorities for important things in life.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Love and romance is really not a cup of tea for women. Great love stories (that of Romeo Juliet, Prithwiraaj Chauhan-Sanyukta or someone else) had not been great had the male counterparts not been proactive or passionate. It is not Mumtaz who built the Taj Mahal but Shah Jahan had made it. Without caring much about love, they care more about security, shelter and support both physically and emotionally. Well anyone can propose and claim she/he is in love, only men dare to materialize love. Sometimes men are foolish enough to prove themselves as knight. Women are not aggressive or assertive, thus a love story often ends up being a tragedy. Thinking that sacrifices and adjustments make one great, women continue to compromise on their dreams and goals. Can they really live happily for ever like this ? What happens when it dawns upon them that they never tried hard enough to materialize their dreams.
The purpose is not to enumerate all the mixed signals. May be there exists none. Men and women need to narrow down the margin of differences in thoughts and actions We need a better place where their is no divorce, no heartbreaks, no gender exploitation and discrimination. We need a communication protocol with clear set of rules.
4 comments:
nice blog...
Wow !! I guess you have plunged yourself into the depth in order to understand woman. My friend it’s very difficult to understand woman. But one thing I know, if you treat them well and give them the due respect and treat them with dignity, they will give you all the happiness and support, provided your woman loves you. I would say there is no such thing call ideal match, cause you have to make effort to make a relation work or else it will turn sour. But I must say, got to know views from different prospective. Cheers !!!
Kudos mahboob! I think it's a vogue in men's world to fall for the blatant rumor that women are some green aliens using encrypted signals to communicate. What I don't understand is why man build Taj Mahal on words that never actually got into them!
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